Yet again I wonder how normal I am? Are others as terrified of stepping, let alone leaping outside their comfort zone as I am? Do others even have comfort zones….or is the entire world their comfort zone? Would I swap my comfort zone(s) for yours? What would I trade in order to gain access to effortless comfortable confident comfort zone departures?
It feels dangerous to not hold the door for others. But is it because I crave the “thank you” that usually follows? Am I secretly hoping that my “generous” act is ignored so that I can be a victim or re-verify that humanity is just brutish and the world barbaric and cold? Do I do anything that is not motivated by fear? Do any of us? Am I on an island of one? Am I the gun that squirts jelly on the Island of misfit toys?
I force myself to close my eyes when I am going down a certain stretch of pavement on my bike when I see in advance that no one is riding the other way. The fear is exhilarating. I am normal and present and terrified. Can I go a few extra seconds this time before being pulled back into responsibility, safety, predictability, living to not die rather than to live?
Simply wandering around Boston recently for a day without an agenda or even an idea of where we were going to eat or any of that nervous hyper-planning was foreign to me. An accomplishment that I feel silly yet proud to state. I am currently fighting the urge to do similar research right now for the unfamiliar undefined day ahead. I wonder what it would be like to feel that the day, the path, the coin flip was a boundless opportunity rather than a series of threats and storm clouds? The storm clouds create the green and the flowing rivers and the spark of life. Can’t I just have those parts and skip the scary darkness? What if I ask really nicely and use multiple pleases?
We bought a cabin, and had a child, and got two cats one rather than one at the humane society. We moved across the county so many times I’ve lost track. Those were optimistic acts aimed at opportunity and not fear, right? My wife celebrated with me as I ditched all my plans and carefully researched reservations on a recent trip as my wants and the rain and cold suggested a more pleasurable option out there. Tiny steps. Tiny steps are wonderful. If they lead to more tiny steps that is pure gravy.
What is funny too, is that my comfort zone may have zero Venn diagram overlay with yours. What stresses you out might make me feel swaddled. Of course describing that as funny is not terribly accurate when the other is a close friend or loved one.
I wonder how many things that I fear I would actually love if I were brave enough to simply step through the fog and trust that the path continues on the other side? I may be the only person in the world who can claim both to have once had a season lift pass for a ski resort yet never have skied in his life. There, I came out of the closet on that one. The fact that it essentially did not snow that year notwithstanding. Sometimes we can try to be brave but the world has other plans for us. I’ll never know whether I would have broken a hip that year or began a blissful life of ski-bum-dom.
Maybe in one of the other infinite parallel universes I am more brave, more happy, less happy, less kind. Maybe I know myself better? Is it possible to know oneself? The tall straight evergreens gently swaying in my field of vision seem so very wise this morning. They know that they do not need to know themselves.
