It happened again. I was talking with someone I hadn’t seen in at least half a year, a neighbor of sorts. After a bit of “we’ve been doing this and that” she mentioned that her daughter had recently been hospitalized for a dangerous eating disorder. The number of pounds she had fallen to scared me. I offered back that our family had experienced a somewhat similar problem several years earlier. That little invitation of “I hear you; it is safe to talk about this” was all she needed. She filled me in on just how scary and quick and dangerous the situation had become (but thankfully now is significantly better). This kind of deep need to be heard and supported is out there all around us, likely someone reading this right now has a daughter or grandparent or good friend suffering through depression or another mood disorder. It is a really common problem that we still generally feel uncomfortable discussing. This must change. This is completely unnecessary.
For me personally, connecting deeply with someone is the purpose of life. Whether that someone is a tree, a neighbor, the wind, or yourself. There is nothing more beautiful or restorative as connection. The connection is not the grief or pain itself it is the vulnerability of saying “here I am” and the other saying “that is just fine.”
If we are simply willing to listen. No need to solve. No need to do much besides being there. I have been on mountain ridges, grocery checkout lines, and bar stools and if we are willing to just offer a couple supporting non-judging words while really looking at the person it is like a balloon being pricked or a dam rupturing. Mental illness is so misunderstood and so widespread. It ripples out from the one battling the condition to the parents and friends and siblings and so many more. I can only imagine that the perfect posts on (pick your favorite) social media platforms are only making it worse. The more we “connect” the lonelier we become. We’ve had several good friends in the last few years who have revealed the challenges that their families had been going through. I so wished that they had reached out during those dark days. I so hope that if they face similar troubles in the future, they share their burden with me or someone else.
I know that for many years I had a hard time feeling safe sharing my dark thoughts with even the people closest to me. I had to work through feelings that they would abandon me if I burdened them. It was a ball of shame, embarrassment, hopelessness, dread, and victim-hood all bound together in complicated reinforcing ways. Fortunately for me (as a man especially) I didn’t have any problem acknowledging that I needed support, none of that toxic “suck it up” mindset.
Be ready to support someone. Someday you will be the one needing the support.
