It may be time to explain explicitly why (I believe) I keep writing these blog postings. Why I am drawn to ask questions, seek answers, and then feel the desire and responsibility to share them. I know that this is one way that I manage or soothe my anxiety. I search for answers to challenges that I face. I believe we are all connected, and that life is beautiful, precious, and fragile. I want to help others avoid the pitfalls I find myself encountering as well as reveal the locations of joy and peace that I stupidly luckily stumble upon. I bet we share some similarities in this regard. Am I simply arrogant or self-delusional? All that I know for sure, of course, is that I don’t know anything!
But occasionally, I write something not knowing where I am going. Not knowing what I will say, hoping to use this familiar forced exercise, sometimes at 4:58 AM on a Sunday, to discover why I can’t sleep. Obviously, this is one of those times.
The question is: “why do I keep doing things that I know hurt me?” We know that refined sugar and processed meats and deep-fried foods are bad for us but we keep eating them by the metric ton. We know that social media can be a poisonous trap yet I will post this on Twitter and Facebook eventually. And it is not just cigarettes and heroin and pornography and similar vices or addictions. Though in some way it must be about addiction. Is it simply about addiction? Caffeine and nicotine are at least as addictive as alcohol but peer reviewed research clearly shows a better risk/reward proposal for caffeine and even alcohol than nicotine. Does this matter? Is everything okay in moderation?
But why was I unable to get up and move when sitting on Rattlesnake Ledge a few days ago eating my lunch (enjoying?) the breathtaking peaceful view of the valleys below? It was a familiar trap that I found myself in. I felt wronged. I felt like a victim. I was determined to remain in unhappiness and stress rather than get up and move ten feet. A family had decided to sit within about two feet of me to eat their lunch, as I was doing, despite the fact that the ledge was large and mostly empty at that time. I had even selected a spot to plop down a good distance down the sloping ledge. Worse than just having to listen to others conversations when I just wanted to be a quiet participant in nature was their dog. The (likely wonderful furry little thing) was innocent. He or she was just being dog like….lurking near my sandwich. I was determined to not have to pick up and move my food but the whole time I was wondering if the dog’s owners were even aware that the leash had too much slack to prevent the dog from gobbling up my provisions should the little furball have wished. Part of me wanted their dog to attack my lunch. Part of me wanted to be victimized. Part of me wanted to be reminded that I had done nothing wrong picking that spot to eat, well in advance of their subsequent arrival. I could absolve the dog, a priori, of any potential wrong doing, why could I not do the same for the humans? They likely were completely unaware of any of this.
Do I need to feel superior? Do I need to experience some sort of biochemical release associated with unhappiness or victimhood? Why could I not get just get up? Were they even aware of the (unwritten) social code they had broken? Do I expect others to read my mind? Do I hold others to a higher standard than myself? Until I began typing this I had forgotten that they were also the family that broke another unwritten rule of hiking. If you are taking a break along the trail don’t begin again mere seconds, mere yards ahead of someone that would be passing you, especially if you are a group (and especially if that someone is me since I hike faster than the average person, which, damn it, everyone should know). And if you violate that rule, don’t double down and make it hard for that hiker to pass you by taking up the whole width of the path.
Why do I find this type of person so upsetting? Why can I not just take the small steps needed to remove myself from unhappiness, even if acknowledging that I “shouldn’t have to”? Is this even a thing? Does the fact that I just used the word “should” answer my own question? Surly the fact that I am writing about this (now at 5:36 AM) suggests that this pattern is significant to me. How normal am I or am I a freak of nature? Or is this what gives life meaning? Struggling with seemingly unsolvable terribly important yet trivial questions, that may or may not even be real? Could I experience the joy and serenity of the sunrises and mountain vistas and hugs from my daughter without the lurking dog ready to be dog-like and eat my sandwich? Can’t I just learn to just get up or at least share my sandwich or voice my need? I still don’t have a solution or any real insight. Do I create my own victimhood? When will I repeat this whole cycle again?
