When I think of all the things in life that I really enjoy, the activities or spaces or conditions that provide deepest joy, they have a surprising thread running through them all. They are those things or times when I am lost in just one thing. What is also fascinating to me is that the “one thing” can come in a million different flavors. I also suspect that this is true for many if not most (if not all!) people.
I always knew that there were certain songs that would cause me to stop everything I was doing and just listen. The instrumental beginning of “I will possess your heart” by Death Cab for Cutie and the opening few riffs of “A Love Supreme” by the John Coltrane quartet are two such songs. They both feature a hypnotic bass line, maybe it is primal sounds like a beating heart or trance-like hypnotic repetition? Maybe it is music in general, as a particular live version of “I got you under my skin” featuring the transfixing pipes of Dinah Washington also freezes me in my tracks. Maybe it is what they represent, past loves or places or times?
But then there is international travel. I graduated from college on May 23rd of that year and was on a plane to Paris by the 26th. This would be my first experience with travel abroad and I was forever changed. I knew that I wanted to travel to other countries and lose myself in their language and culture and architecture as often as I could. Maybe it is losing myself? That seems to be getting closer to “it”. I am seldom happier than when I am on an overnight train from one European city to another, falling asleep to the gentle rock of the train as we depart Budapest and waking up as the conductor announces that we soon will be arriving in Vienna or Prague. Part of it I figure is that it feels like I can cheat death and experience another complete life or identity if only for just a few days or weeks. Part of it is I am so focused on the logistics and challenges of international travel, usually in a completely foreign language, so that I am unable to worry about or even consider the things that seemed so vital just a few days earlier. Who cares what the stock market will do tomorrow? The water leak around that bathroom window can just wait! Global warming?
There are countless other examples of this for me. Eating or drinking something really good (a warm drippy egg yolk after fasting for nearly a day or sipping an icy cold PNW hazy IPA after hiking Ptarmigan Ridge all the way to the Portals. Then of course there are orgasms, how could one not be fully present during the little death? I figure it must be the same doing powerful drugs like heroin (though I have no intention of finding out!) It is not the pleasure…as pleasure is not joy. Pleasure is pedestrian. It is the show-stopping, force me into the moment nature of these things. They grab us by the hand and lead us without explanation to the present. That is the thread…. presence. Being present. Living now. Celebrating the joy of the perfect abundance of every moment in every place. No matter where I look or what question I ponder the answer always turns out to be presence. They are just vehicles.
I am going to try really hard the next time that I am having a crown replaced or in real pain with heart burn to try to remember this, to try to look courageously and compassionately deep into the dark scary place to find the little nugget of presence. I am already getting better at this with things like traffic. I can often force myself to remain calm and enjoy the beautiful scenery around me. Go into whatever presence the universe is offering me at that moment.
A final thought, or really a question on this topic is to consider what “fraction” of complete stillness doing just one thing is. I practice meditation daily and only am really present with a soft empty alert mind for a few fleeting moments every once-in-a-while. But, I am really good at meditating on one thing and feeling everything else melt away. I often meditate on the word or concept of Love. Recently I have been playing around with “calm”. This “one” thing, that is definitely not “zero things” like a truly still mind. But this still really feels wonderful and for me at least at this point is a door way for me to get to stillness. But I really wonder, is doing one thing 90% of the way to doing zero things? Is it 1% of the way? Does it matter? Is it like a fractal or the concept of “halving” (you can reduce by 50% ad infinitum and never get to zero). Is doing one thing 1% or 90% as meaningful or joyful as doing no things? Just stop.
