I think that I want to be good?

There are so many things wrapped up in this particular learning for me. Let’s start with the obvious. I have always thought that I want to be “good”. I have always had difficulty separating my identity from this thought. What is identity, do we need it? Do we always need it? Is ego the same as identity or moral compass? Are any of these interchangeable with paradigm? Is there really a real me anyway? Is there a dynamic identity to go with that? Is my version of my identity the same as your concept of mine? Does this matter? Is this the most important thought to ponder? Is this simply a restatement, recasting of the “central question” of existential existence?

Why do I think that I want to be good? Is it to satisfy my parents from decades ago during my malleable years? Is it to make my coaches and teachers proud? Is it because I actually care about people and animals and truth and happiness and all that? Am I a fake Bodhisattva? Is it to assuage my privileged white male heterosexual cis upper middle class guilt? Do I actually do any good? I know that if I could stop trying to do good and just do good, I would be happier and healthier and so would all and everything else in existence. I would even make my friends and family proud; I would be present. Why don’t I just do good?

For me, it is like most things, it gets trapped in anxious paralysis. I get nervous and sad and I freeze. It is a thousand times easier for me to give money to non-profits that I support than to give a single coin to one of the hundreds of desperate people all around me on the streets. People literally sleeping barefoot in urine stained clothes on top of bags of garbage. I give instead to all the schools that have touched my family’s collective life. And importantly, I don’t give enough. I should be ashamed, but that would simply replace one shortcoming with another. I should simply do good. I know that the word should is dangerous. I could simply do good!

A sin is not a sin unless you know it is a sin (if my Catholic childhood memories are correct). I know that I could do more. Of course, we all could, which I do not think is the point. I know deep down that I could be so much better, so why don’t I? I get paralyzed between guilt and frantic action.

There are so many rabbit holes that one could go down and never return from. Maybe there are only rabbit holes. Soup kitchens, habitat for humanity, public schools, river cleanup, trail maintenance, dozens of people that I will walk past in the next week. I could also write letters to friends and family of mine or of those whose father or mother is deployed for months in hostile lands.

I will actually steward more good actions and deeds this week and make it a habit. I will try (again) to not complain about anything for an hour, a day (a minute?). I will be honest with myself. I will be quiet. I will complete my new commitment for daily and weekly allocation of time and thought and action. I will eat healthier and do more push-ups. I will paint every damn day. I will continue to hug my wife at least three times every day that we are in the same city (and my daughter if she wants to!). I have to do good because I have no choice. I just need to be present. I just need to let these last few words drain out of me.

Let’s all do better. Let’s all celebrate the beauty and misery and illusion around us. Really look into peoples eyes and really care. Love ourselves and forgive ourselves and realize that there is nothing to forgive and no separation between you and me and no today nor tomorrow and there is always the seed of good in every mal-act. I commit to doing this. When I fail I will recommit. When I fail again I will recommit again and again and again. I so very much hope that you join me. It will make it easier for all of us. We need to not be afraid, no, rather we need to be courageous.

If this takes you away from your best path throw this away. This is only my sign post for right now and right here. Let your beautiful brain and gut chew on it while walking or sleeping or washing your hands with warm water. Breath understanding in deeply, deeply, deeply and slowly let out fear and doubt and judgment.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top