I am guilty of this. I have used these as a crutch, as a way to avoid uncomfortable things. This has been a coping mechanism for me to manage anxiety. I “try” and “just” and “only” my way through life. I give myself just enough “wiggle room” so that I can simultaneously convince myself that I really am doing my best while allowing myself space and permission to fail, or worse yet, to not really even start in the first place. I don’t own my wants and needs. I agree “but” cram all the anxious shameful stuff into a little “only”. I am committed to eliminating wiggle words.
I will fail. I will start again. I bet that if (I know that I should say and want to say but am afraid to say “when”) I can make this change it will impact all that I touch. When an “only” runs into an “I will” there is conflict. Of course, the outcome depends on which is stronger or more persistent or maybe less afraid?
“My only thought is that…” “I agree except…” Why not say “I think” or “I do not agree”? I venture a guess that the amount of wishy-washy language and thought varies from culture to culture and era to era. Believing that nothing is absolute, there surely must be uses for wiggle words, but for me, having the stretch goal of eliminating them entirely is such a terrifying thought and so improbable that I will not burden myself at this point with this consideration.
“I will do my best”. What the hell does this even mean? There is no best! Even if there was, how often are we really doing our “best”? “We’ve got an answer for everything but “this one thing”. Well, we do not have an answer!
Is it a lack of confidence in my abilities? A lack of self-worth? A lack of confidence in others? Is it simply anxiety? Is it being too nice, not wanting to anger anyone? Why do I, and I bet many of you rely so heavily on “only” and “but” and “just” to get through the day? Am I afraid of success or of failure, or worse, both? Do I want to live forever or hope that tomorrow I will draw my final breath?
I think it is only really possible to move through the world happily without leaning on wiggle words if one is compassionate. I think a bulldozer could simply put it’s head down and run with “I do” “I will” “This is”. But, that seems like a recipe for unhappiness. It seems to me that one needs to have compassion for oneself first, and then by extension to those around. This will allow for the weaning of wiggle words.
I plan to give my first free public talk once the pandemic allows. I am not going to “try”. I will not do it “if” something or other happens. If no one shows up I am going to do it. If one thousand people show up I am going to do it. I will do it again sometime after that. I will fail. I will get back up again.
I am going to record at what time each day I fail and deploy a “just” or a “only”. I could just as easily and meaningfully record at what time I first judge someone or something. Or I could instead record when tomorrow my first complaint is voiced audibly or simply in my own head. I bet these are all essentially the same thing.
