Too many of us spend too much of our lives angry with people, going even so far as hating some. People hate their co-workers or their former spouse. Some of us hate people who vote different from how we vote. Others hate Wall Street executives, politicians, the guy next door whose dog keeps pooping in their yard, or perpetrators of mass killings. This does no good. This is not helping anyone. This is a lazy way to process being upset. It is much fairer, more useful, and healthier for everyone to focus our energy on the actions and not the person.
Don’t get lost in the weeds. Don’t worry if you can’t get beyond feeling hatred for figures like Hitler. Hitler caused more misery than possible any other person in recent memory. His actions were abhorrent. His justifications were equally harmful. Start with an “easier” practice target, a friend or relative for example. Quite a few of the “people” we feel hatred towards are really just amalgamated stereotypes, these examples don’t count. People often claim hatred towards a particular race or ethnicity or even political orientation. That is not only unfair it is unhealthy. For the “hard core leftist” there are plenty of conservatives that would make lovely friends, and vice-versa.
If we were to exclude all the generic stereotypes that we feel anger towards we would find that the pool of actual people that upset us is rather small. Exclude for now all the “Hitlers” and we have a workable basket of people to reconsider. We should always set ourselves up for success not failure.
Once we get down to the small list of actual real people that we are angry with, even at times hate, we can begin the real work. That person (we’ll call him Joe, sorry to all the Joe’s out there!) is a collection of experiences and DNA and relationships to others and strengths and weaknesses. Joe might have had some trauma in his past. Maybe Joe has insomnia, or irritable bowel syndrome, or a defective gene or two. Maybe Joe is wonderful with his kids. Maybe Joe is not all that different from you and me. We can be mad that Joe let’s his dog poop in our yard or that his car has a dozen bumper stickers that we find insensitive or downright insulting. Dislike the bumper stickers, get mad that his dog poops in your yard, maybe talk to Joe about the dog, but don’t hate Joe. It is unfair to Joe, likely a man of a thousand challenges and experiences, many of which are different from those of yours or mine. It is unfair to you. You are holding yourself hostage. You are stewing about his bumper stickers, not Joe. The waves of negative energy that you would find yourself mired in would radiate outward and (negatively) impact all those around you. Break the cycle. Do this little part for the world, for yourself.
The next step is to actually try to understand the people that we seem to have so much negative energy towards. This is when the magic can really begin. Understand what might be motivating someone to do something that causes us pain. Are they afraid for their future? Are they suffering? Are they lacking experiences or resources that we have had? Do they have different priorities, fears, beliefs, values? Is a cry for help? Is it simply what was modeled for them in their childhood home?
Another way to combat this is to work towards separating ourselves from our beliefs and other labels. I am just me. I am not a conservative/liberal. I am not an engineer or a victim or a perpetrator. I don’t have insomnia or lactose-intolerance. Work on separating, stripping away the labels and categories and qualifiers that we have of ourselves first, this will make working on our reactions to others much easier!
Don’t forget, we fall down too. We make people upset as well. We all let our dog’s poop on other people’s lawns from time to time, at least metaphorically. What is the magic cut off for number of bad actions per day that separates the “bad” people from the “good” people? Does such a cut-off exist; does it matter? Is it possible that the difference could lie in how WE actually experience the world and less with whatever “Joe” is doing? If we free ourselves from hatred and from even simply from being really mad at people, and focus our dissatisfaction on their actions instead we will build a better world. We will build a world where fewer dogs are pooping on other people’s lawns. The only losers in this new and improved world will be the peddlers of divisiveness (and bumper stickers!)
