I only know how to be me and I even suck at that at times. I can’t be you, I don’t know your struggles or beliefs or experiences. I would mess it up. I don’t even know how to be my wife of nearly thirty years. I have no clue how to be my daughter. How in the hell would I expect myself to be able to live someone else’s life? How can I be so judgemental of others, especially strangers? They probably can’t even figure themselves out either and they know a lot more about themselves that I ever will.
Maybe I even have this wrong. Maybe I don’t even know how to be me? Maybe I am too much in the forest to see the trees? But forests are my happy place? Maybe I can’t shed my ego? Maybe I don’t know how to differentiate between myself, my ego, my history, my emotions, my feelings, and my thoughts? Lots of other good interesting things in this space too….maybe there is no free will? I’ve heard convincing arguments to that effect. Maybe consciousness is an illusion? Maybe reality is an illusion? You don’t need to take the red pill to experience this. Maybe there are only red pills? Maybe they are all blue? Maybe there are no pills?
If I step back a bit and accept that I know how to be me since I seem to be doing that day in and day out, I still have no clue how my physical body and emotional body interact. Are my recent problems with depression and anxiety flowing from my recent back problems or is it the other way around? Or are they all a symptom of something else like an ebbing of connection to others or at least the feeling that that is happening?
And how can I even say that I know how to be me? I want to be more patient and kind to myself. I want to walk the path of acceptance and non-judgement. So, why don’t II? If I know how to be me how do I seem to be unable to not self-sabotage daily?
Maybe we are not meant to be in control of ourselves? I guess I know that control is a mirage anyway. But if we really knew how to be ourselves what would be the point in going through all the effort? Wouldn’t we just be like the inmates in jail who can simply say “joke #27” and their fellow inmates laugh. Would we just eventually stop? Would there be no discovery or growth? Would this violate one of the laws of thermodynamics? I knew I studied chemical engineering for a reason.
We know the answers. They are the same answers every time. The same answers, only the questions change. Be present. Be kind. Be humble. Be courageous. Let go of attachment to outcomes. Let go of silly concepts like permanence, separateness, and fairness. Meditate. Use good words, good thoughts, and good actions. Speak less and listen more. Breathe in soothing centering gratitude and breath out hot acrid self-doubt.
