I guess I could just call this “mea culpa” Let’s see if I can even think of all the things that I was screwing up this past week. All the ways that I insisted on plucking unhappiness from the jaws of WOW. Just some of the numerous things that I was doing and thinking and not doing and not thinking that I know to be unhealthy. I sort of felt like I drew the monopoly card “go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.” I did not even know I was playing monopoly.
My wife and I were up at our cabin in the mountains, prepared for a full week of early autumn hikes in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Clear schedule, no rain in the forecast, all ready to go….but smoke from nearby fires had just moved in. Every day we checked multiple sites to see if today would be the day that the skies would clear and allow us to go out and hike. Day after day of this went on and I felt a mix of anger, victimhood (a single night of thunderstorms starting multiple fires near to our cabin….really?), panic, disillusionment, then embarrassment for all these ridiculous feelings. What an entitled first-world asshole I am! Did I mention that we were at our vacation cabin/trailer? Just saying it out loud makes me cringe.
I can’t possibly know the best path, since there is none! I need to just be present, not live in the future (worry) or the past (anxiety). I should not judge myself or others. What a great opportunity to embrace JOMO, the joy of missing out! How can I forget that suffering is pain times resistance…..let it go! What a great opportunity this week, as I know that the obstacle is the path, well I can’t seem to see around this giant smoke cloud of an obstacle before me. I need to let go of attachment to outcome…and actually live.(103)
When was the last time I asked myself my four basic questions “Am I alive, am I loved, do I love someone, are most of my basic needs basically met?” I take (this) and so much more for granted….my ability to walk, and think, and love, and be loved”. And by the way, when was the last time that I actually reflected on my life and cultivated a sense of gratitude, maybe by writing them down, that I have for the many wonderful building blocks of my life?
How could I possibly forget that everyday is Thanksgiving! Or similarly, that I am the luckiest man alive! After all, there is Love, there is only Love, allow it reveal itself everywhere and all time.
I have food in my belly, a roof over my head, a relatively decently functioning middle-aged Dad-bod, capable of hiking eleven miles yesterday and biking 26 miles the day before (during a 48 hour window of no-smoke)…..I take this and so much more for granted! Okay, this is the second time in this short writing that I have cited the same lesson of mine that I seem to be forgetting….must be one that I forget alot!. And of course, I need to remember that many will go hungry tonight (2). I won’t. I am 100%-ish sure of that, and that alone should be enough to “unstuck me”.
Every day is a ridiculously generous amazing present. I plan to re-read this the next time that I am stuck worrying or agonizing over something and see how it might help nudge me to peace and utility and joy. I KNOW all this to be true, sometimes I just get stuck on not feeling it.
