I went to a small gathering recently and had a two hour discussion with four other people. It was my second time with this group, definitely two of the four were also at the first session I attended, one definitely not and one I am not sure of. The first time I went I left feeling inspired and full of hope and Love. I felt lovingly held by the group in vulnerable exploration. Last night I didn’t. I largely felt invalidated. I felt unheard and excluded. I felt angry and sad and afraid. The only reason I didn’t leave earlier was that the person that I had just met felt warm and compassionate and interesting and provided enough buffer for me to not bolt. Thank God I was feeling triggered, what a gift, what the hell was going on inside me? Spoiler alert, likely the strong negative feelings I was having were related to those same issues being present inside me and compounded by me being in denial about them for a long time.
We were having a really deep philosophical discussion and two of the people were triggering me greatly. They were activating the same raw spot that some in my past triggered. I would describe it as simply stating as fact what is actually an opinion. And last night several of these facts (opinions) were in direct conflict with my lived experience. I kind of get this now. I feel that I go out of my way to not do this, but damn it, I must do this as well.
I guess after decades of looking for the answers about myself and the world around me the only few things I can say for “certain” are that everything is relative. I get the contraction. The only absolute is that there are no absolutes. Ditto. Everything that we experience and communicate and think is an approximation. Everything is connected because it is all the same. There is no such thing as reality. I know this just the same as many know that God is the creator. Faith is relational, it is fragile energy like weak nuclear forces. We all have it, it is just in relation to different things for each of us. Free will doesn’t exist, but then it does, but only sort of. How deep down the rabbit hole do we dare to go?
Maybe when someone is going through really slow derivations it is triggering to me because that is likely exactly what I do. Okay, that is what I do. Maybe when someone directly or indirectly takes on the roll of validator or parent and by definition relegates me to only student and only child and only unknowing it creates existential dread and threat to me. I must do exactly the same even though I convince myself that I don’t, that I am loving and encouraging and validating and inclusive, and that my philosophies and beliefs are painstakingly constructed to be internally consistent and compatible with almost all other belief structures. I guess they must not be. I’ve always felt that as long as the belief structure of the “other” is not based on anti-Love and not based on explicit dualistic absolutes then all that I believe and espouse is supportive of that. I guess not.
To be continued.
I now need to go for a walk and see what the old growth Douglas Firs a few miles from my house have to say about all this. They have become my new hugging partners. Yep I am a tree-hugger (literally). When I move-through and feel Love it seems correct and “good” and responsible. When not it is generally a bad idea and destined to fail.
Thank God I was triggered. What a great set of lessons and questions. And what fascinating dreams I had last night. I’ll be digesting those for days or lifetimes to come.
