Graceful Accountability

Sometimes the titles for my posts just leap forward and confidently shout “here I am, pick me!”, like an uninhibited toddler.   Other times, like with this post, I write the entire post in my head, likely while I am sleeping or watching South Park, or some other important life activity and then struggle to title it.  I typically land on a working title and a few sentence summary simultaneously, sort of iterating a little.  I’ve sketched out hundreds of future posts and am waiting for them to germinate.  Then when the Spirit moves me, when I am no longer able to not write the piece, I surrender and let it flow out like the crema from the spout of our little stovetop espresso maker.  Belaboring this process seems relevant to both providing context for this whole experiment called CheapZen as well as illuminating this post (or lesson, that is how I think of them).  A lesson is for me first and foremost, for my daughter next, and the rest of the world after that in various shades.  Words are very important.  Words are only the map and not the territory though, of course.  The word lesson has always sounded like a stretch-goal to me, too much like shooting the ball with the game on the line as compared to passing to someone else. I believe I did that only once in varsity high school sports by the way.   I remember in that blur of birth and death hearing the coach involuntarily utter something not “don’t shoot” or some other encouraging words.  I scored the goal. We won the game.

Living in the space between grace and accountability.  That DMZ between accountability and grace.  How to balance grace and accountability.   The Yin of Grace and the Yang of Accountability.  I had many attempts at naming this beast.

The balance between these two really is one of my main life-purpose-orientations.  I am always trying to simultaneously balance holding myself accountable, especially when I start slipping, and that slippage becomes raw meat for the anxiety inside me.  Faltering at either is effectively the same for me.  Denying myself Grace is learned.  It is programmed deep into my neural network.  I don’t deserve Grace, nor anything else, my narrative goes, feed that anxiety, let it fester into “overwhelm”.   From overwhelm it is a straight shot, a familiar path, to depression.  We are always seeking the familiar.  And for way too long in my life that was depression.  I have to actively work to counter that return to “familiar”.  I am not magical or omnipotent or omniscient, just persistent AF.  You are no different, hopefully as persistent as I have become.

But what about Accountability?  That is terrifying!  I cannot fail if I never commit to trying, to succeeding. Accountability does not come naturally to me.  I learned long ago that I could drift into obsessive compulsive behavior and effectively never fail by at a minimum extending out the deadline for checking off items, by watering down the definition of complete, or both!

Short, clear, do-able goals mixed in with a few mildly stretch-like-goals.  Clear understanding of when the goal is accomplished.  Clear time parameters for when that needs to happen.  Gracefully stewarding the process, preferably by remaining in the NOW and present as much as possible.  Pencils have erasers and keyboards backspace keys for a reason.  This shouldn’t become a suicide mission.

Somedays I need more Grace and others more Accountability.  They are probably the same thing anyway since everything is One.  But, I find it helpful to think of them separately as I walk my path.  Grace can support Accountability and vice versa.  There is no benefit in considering them enemy combatants.  Take a really deep breath, hold it for several seconds, exhale as slowly as possible through your nose, and then breathe normally a few times.  Repeat this until it is revealed whether this moment would benefit more from additional Grace or an extra helping of Accountability.  Silly, you had the answer key all along! 🙂