I know what you mean. If I were you. When that happened to me. The list goes on and on. Often well intentioned, though not always. We can never know what it is like for someone else. We can never know what it is like to walk in their shoes. Even if that person checks all the same demographic boxes that you do. Even if that person lives in the same city and eats the same food every day. Even if that person is your identical twin!
What is it like to not be me? I have no idea. I cannot take off my lenses or biases or experiences or weaknesses or strengths. I cannot imagine what it is like to be anything other than a middle-aged introspective omnivore with sinus problems who has challenges with symmetrical things and double consonants. I’m not that unique in this am I? I cannot even imagine what it would be like to think that I was unique in assuming that others do not think this way (falsely? does it matter?)! No wonder we are horrible to each other and have allowed Jim Crow laws and child labor and robo-calls.
I have no idea what it is like to be a woman, or someone that does not identify as either male or female. I cannot imagine what it is like to be a single parent or a war veteran or an African American. What is it like to live your entire life within the same area code? I can’t even imagine what it must be like to enjoy eating beets!
I can feel proud and smart and cruel and numb. Most of us can and likely do feel these ways at times. I can imagine that you feel these ways too, maybe not in the same order or at the same intensity or at the same times. Maybe it leads you to places that seem impossible to me; but you got there from a whole ton of individual steps starting with birth just as all of us have.
What stumbling block that I trip over on a daily basis would you not even recognize as a potential obstacle? Is my stumbling block only brought into existence because I expect it to be there in the shadows every morning when I rise? What are your impediments? Are they shameful like some of mine?
Start from what we have in common. Start with good intentions and assuming the best of people. Separate the person from their actions and words. Imagine how much pain someone must be in to act so horribly. It may be correct, it might not, but it can’t really hurt. Give yourself the gift of forgiving others and yourself. Remember the times when you were nasty, sometimes you simply had caught a cold or just gotten a “D” on a midterm. Fight. Flight. Freeze. Fawn.
Maybe part of stepping into another’s shoes is realizing the falseness of separation. There really is no you and me. There is just all of us in this violently beautiful cosmic spinning eruption. You are me and I am you. Somedays it is easier to see this than others. Your beautiful acts are part of me and my horrible ones are part of you. If your left foot hurts don’t you hurt? Is just your stomach hungry?
Give. Breathe. Love. Be hopeful. Be kind. Be courageous. Be you. Be me.
