There are a handful of really great ideas that seem so painfully obvious once we “get” them. Unfortunately, for many of us, these great ideas are never learned, or at a minimum are learned late in life. These ideas have to be handed down from one fortunate person to another. Often these life lessons slip between the cracks of school, religion, parenting, and general life experience. They are like a magic ticket to betterment that we need to stumble upon without knowing that we looking for them.
One such idea is the simple act of asking oneself from time to time “Is this serving me?” If the answer is “yes”, then great, no action is needed. But, if the answer is “no”, then the next question needs to be “Do I want to change this?” If the answer to this question is “no”, then some real work needs to be done to understand why not. It could be that this thing is really serving us in some partial or hidden way. It could be that we are simply afraid of the change or fearful we are helpless to affect change. We need to keep going. The question of “do I want to change this?” needs to be asked and re-asked many times for some things to break them down into their more fundamental building blocks. But, eventually we will be left with “yes, I want to change this”. Great, now we just need to figure out how we can change this thing, maybe by several tiny small changes or one big change. But it should not be forgotten, we have already made big strides by simply acknowledging the privilege and the responsibility that we have in considering whether or not something in our life serves us, and if not, what we want to do about it.
Maybe we have a family member or friend that causes us upset just thinking about them. We might get a queasy feeling at the thought of them visiting, for example. We have to ask ourselves “Is this serving me?” The answer will likely be “yes”. Great, we have learned that we have control of how we compose our life….we are not helpless. This realization alone may give us the strength we need to continue to break down what exactly makes us feel uneasy, allowing us to formulate a plan on how to change things to serve our needs. Maybe we need to explore if we have healthy boundaries in this relationship, if we have good communication, if we share similar values. We may need to explore what part in the uneasiness flows from our actions and beliefs and not just what flows from the other person. We may need to learn that we are not responsible for this person nor can we control their actions. We may need to look inwardly more than outwardly. We may need to be generous and kind to ourselves or conversely, we may need to be more firm and directive. Deconstruction the discomfort into little questions and answers helps us to take the fear and power out of the discomfort and begin to formulate a good plan to move beyond discomfort. It all begins with allowing ourselves the space, privilege, and responsibility of asking “Is this serving me?”
