I am trying today, and if possible everyday for the rest of my life, to be more present. I am trying to notice myself, notice my feelings and thoughts. I am trying to be more aware and less reactive. I am trying to observe myself as if from a third person perspective. I am trying to be more gentle and compassionate to myself. I am trying to just notice without judging.
What a morning it has already been. I have noted many instances of fear and joy and hope and shame and anger and tenderness and indignation among other mental states. I have felt tingly and had an upset stomach and felt cold and twinges in my lower back. I had a great conversation with a woman from South Africa on Amazon customer service. That call followed immediately on the heels of my big period of anger for the day, at least for now!
This new project of mine comes from a book I am reading, A Year To Live by Stephen Levine. It advocates taking the next year and living it as if it were your last. Seems like a good thing to do here smack in the middle of middle-age. I wonder which of the stages of grief I am at by now on that journey? And are there five or seven? Models are so silly.
One thing that I have already noticed is that I seem to nearly immediately attach a value judgment to each feeling and sensation inside of me. I’m going to change that, at least as long as I am able. I am just going to notice “I feel fear at the discovery that my university lost by one last night after leading by twenty points in the fourth quarter”. I am just going to notice that my heart starts racing. I am not going to say any of this is good or bad, it just is. I was amazed at how immediately I felt unsafe at learning this. Did last night’s development take away part of my identity? Do I understand that my youth is no more gone or at risk since learning of the football loss? Fascinating. I don’t even care about college football anyway. What a gift, there are some real opportunities for growth and healing there somewhere. Maybe I’ll figure it out. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I already understand but am in denial. Maybe it is unknowable. Is anything knowable?
By letting go of the negative attachments (seems like something that would be healthy and pleasurable to do) I also need to let go of the positive attachments. To do otherwise would completely invalidate the work. I can’t have the Yin without the Yang. Why do I always want the Yin anyway? I think it is because the entropy of the universe is ever-increasing. Do the laws of thermodynamics violate this ancient knowledge? My money is on ancient wisdom. And remember I am saying this as a chemical engineer who has studied thermodynamics a lot!
Well, how did we get here? Did we accomplish anything? Did I learn anything? Of course! We rederived once again that there is only presence and non-presence. There is only Love and non-Love. Do I believe in duality or not? Does duality itself care what I think?
