Triple whammy

From years of hiking I know that I can survive two of the following three threats simultaneously: cold, wind, and rain.  But, I cannot withstand all three.  Out on the trail it could be deadly.  Two at a time is a real challenge, but one should be able to survive.  So is it with pain I postulate.  We can withstand only two at once of the following triplet: physical pain, emotional pain, lack of tools/support.  I fortunately (unfortunately?) derived this apparent truism myself over the past few months.  I have faced (face) seemingly relentless physical pain (back and hip) and resulting emotional pain (depression, anxiety, panic attacks).  But thankfully I had been building my support network and toolbox for decades.  Those first two threats are still with me, the emotional pain is starting to moderate a bit and maybe the physical as well.   It appears that I am less able to objectively assess the physical.

I am just afraid.  Afraid my body won’t get better.  Afraid that my mind won’t recover.  Afraid that my tools and support will lose efficacy.  I am just afraid.  And fear releases cortisol and adrenaline and other stuff that reduces immune function and increases inflammation and pain.  And increased pain increases anxiety and depression which once again increases pain.  Please stop!

But I have my loved ones, numerous of whom have offered “tell me how I can help”.  I have my doctors for my body and my mind.  I have medicines and heating pads and a slowly growing internal personal acceptance and grace towards this current reality.  I have deep breathing and meditation and my gratitude journal and actual sun breaks in the winter right now in Seattle and a schedule that allows nearly infinite flexibility.  I have so much.  I got this.  Some days I only mouth the words.

There is a lot of “fake it until I make it” and lowered expectation setting and fledgling attempts at self compassion.  And there is letting go of attachment and expectation and entitlement.  There is a shift from entitlement to gratitude.  There is forced wonder.  There is backsliding.  I don’t believe my sincerity at times but I do what I can do.  I am enough.

There are bold stretch-goals.  I am beginning a series of a couple art classes at a school I have attended in the past.  They start at 6 PM, typically a time of accumulated daily pain.  It also requires me to drive into the city during rush hour.  This means that my right hip will be flexed in place for nearly 45 minutes which generally increases pain.  Why again did I sign up for this?  I am afraid and excited.  I will at least try.  And if all goes well I will only  have to deal with the challenge of making art in front of other people which has always been a challenge in and of itself for me!

There is off-loading of stressful things and unnecessary challenges.  There are increased hugs and rest and heat and ice and music and walking and reading and writing.  There is still fear.  I am enough.  I am safe.  I am loved.  I love.